Forgive And Be Free In 4 Simple Steps

Feelings of resentment, irritation and even revenge come up when you think of that person who has hurt you. They have wronged you in some way. You know that you are right. They took something from you or spoke in a hurtful way and you are not going to let them get away with it!

You go over the scene in your head on a regular basis and every time you do, you feel your heart racing and it is as if the event or conversation just happened.

Or maybe for you it is someone you work with or a family member that you see on a regular basis. Every time you look at them the emotions come up and your mind is spinning.

How forgiving helps you

I had a client who was stuck in unforgiveness of her ex-husband. He cheated on her multiple times, lied, and verbally abused her. Every time she thought of him, she felt the hurt and betrayal rise up in her and they had been divorced for quite some time. She had a belief that all men cheat, and she proved it with every man she dated following her divorce.

As we worked through the process of forgiveness and she gained an understanding of what true forgiveness is, she was able to see that his cheating and other behavior was a reflection of him not her.

She came to know that all men do not behave that way and she began to attract a different type of man in her life. She realized that she could think of him and not feel the anger, betrayal, and hurt that she had felt for years. If she went somewhere that reminded her of him or if someone mentioned his name, there was a more neutral feeling and she even felt compassion for him and gratitude for what she learned through the relationship.

There was no desire to see him or be with him or make him pay for what he had done to her. She was free – so free that she soon met the man who is now her husband. Forgiveness opened her heart and allowed her to receive what she truly desired – a loving committed relationship.

Another client of mine had a falling out with her sister. They had always been close and during a time of stress when their mother was ill her sister lashed out at her. She spoke very harshly about things from the past that my client was shocked by.

My Client retaliate with equally harsh words and they hadn’t spoken for months. The bitterness and resentment were growing and my client was very unhappy. She missed the closeness with her sister and was committed to shifting.

As I guided her to work through the steps below, the resentment began to fade, she felt a softening in her heart and understanding that she lacked prior to being willing to change the situation. It took some time, and it was not easy but today she and her sister are once again close.

Can you relate?

When you see that person or even simply think of them the resentment, anger and hurt rise up in you. Your mood entire mood shifts, and it is tough to get back to joy. You want to be free of this heavy weight you carry. Follow these steps and learn what true forgiveness and how you can be free!

The truth is you feel hurt. What someone said or did was simply wrong. It was unkind, hurtful, or just plain mean spirited. Maybe it was because they hit a nerve or maybe they were downright inconsiderate. Whatever it was, it is now has a hold on you and you cannot forget. Maybe it is the image of them that comes up in your mind. Perhaps it is a family member or someone you work with and you can’t seem to get out of seeing them. 

Some hurts feel really big, like the cheating spouse, and some seem smaller. Either way, it still hurts, and the resentment and anger are not going away. You may even go over in your mind the scenario of what you would say if you had the chance, of how you would get back at them. You might even lay awake at night replaying the whole thing again and again. There simply doesn’t seem to be any getting away from it and it is taking a toll on you.

Forgiveness allows you to be free and live life fully!

When you truly allow forgiveness to have its way with you become free to live your life and be in the present moment rather than living in the past. You are able to move forward and not be at the mercy of your wondering mind. It is sort of like putting down a heavy load you have been carrying. In some cases, you don’t even realize how long you have carried it or how heavy it is until you lay it down. You feel lighter, energized and joyous. 

The freedom can sort of sneak up on you. You practice forgiveness by following the steps below and as time goes on the charge, or energy, around the situation lessens little by little. Then one day you realize that you can see the person or think of them and you feel neutral. There is no anger or resentment left. That is freedom!

What forgiveness means

Before I get to the steps, let’s define what forgiveness really is. It is releasing the charge or energy around a person or circumstance. It is not necessarily saying that what someone said or did is acceptable – in many cases it is not. It is simply coming to a place where it does not impact your life any more. You are free to let go of the past and move forward.  You may, or may not, choose to have a relationship with the person you forgive. That is up to you and depends entirely on the circumstances involved.  Having choice is freedom and truly you are always at choice. When we forgive it does not change the past, but it changes our present which changes our future. Thinking of a person, place or thing and not have any charge or negative energy is freedom and it starts with being willing! 

4 Steps to forgiveness:

Feel/express all your feeling

Blurt, yell, stomp your feet. Really let it out. Your emotions are held in your body. When you are nervous you may feel a fluttering in your stomach. When angry there may be a pressure building up in your head. Sadness might feel like an ache in your chest.

Allowing the emotions out by some sort of physical action releases them so that you can move on. You may have been taught that yelling, stomping your feet, etc. is inappropriate so it can feel wrong. I am not suggesting that you do this in front of a room full of people however; finding a safe space to release is key to the first step in freedom from the pain. It is amazing to me how effective yelling into a pillow can be! Give it a try some time and see for yourself.

Break it down to just the facts

This is where it can get a little tough.  We all have our own narrative about the events in our lives. Now that you have released the emotion around the issue, breaking it down to just the facts is possible. What actually occurred? Imagine what an observer would have witnessed with their own eyes and ears. Set aside whatever you felt in the moment and whatever you came to believe about the person or situation in the moment and break it down to just the facts.

It can help at this point to write down the facts as when we see it in print it is often easier to break things down. Remember, I said it was simple. It is not necessarily easy.

Let’s say you have a friend who you feel is judging your parenting. You’re at a restaurant and your little one is sitting in her highchair eating and in the middle of lunch she starts to melt down and become very loud. You try everything – more food, toys, take her out of the highchair, etc. You friend says something like “I would never allow my child to behave that way. I would teach her to have good manners” You can’t believe she actually said that! What does she know anyway? She is not a parent.

It’s easy to say what you would do when it is not you in the situation. You make a remark (or not) all the while fuming at her insensitivity. She doesn’t know what she is talking about. She is being rude and judging you at a time when you are already frustrated. Now, what are the facts? Your child is becoming loud and your friend said, “I would never allow my child to behave that way. I would teacher her to have good manners”. That is it. Anything else is your personal narrative.

Flip it

What if the opposite of my narrative is true? Who is really to say what is true? Facts are facts and narratives are judgements. Based on the facts, imagine how your narrative could shift. Take some time to consider the possibility. You cannot really know what someone else is feeling or thinking. You cannot know their motivation either. We all come from different backgrounds and see life through the lens of our own experience. Using the example above, imagine how it would be if rather than judging her perceived judgement you flipped it. Perhaps that was her way of trying to be helpful. Maybe she was masking her own discomfort. What if you shrugged it off recognizing that no one can know what they would do in a particular situation unless they are in it? Most parents have had a similar moment and know not to judge.

Own it

Take full responsibility for your part. Depending on the situation, it may be appropriate to have a conversation and it may not. Sometimes when we free ourselves by forgiving, a relationship can become stronger. Sometimes it ends. And sometimes it simply shifts a bit. You may be inclined to set some boundaries in a relationship whether verbalized or not.  In this example you may want to have a conversation at a later time expressing your frustration in that moment of not being able to calm your child. You could explain that her comments added to the discomfort rather than helping. You might also discuss how you could both handle something like this in the future. This is where honestly owning your part and being vulnerable can really strengthen and deepen a relationship.

When you have made the decision to forgive and are willing to take the necessary steps, it may take time. Feeling and expressing those feelings is something you may repeat several times before you completely release them. It may also take time to break things down to just the facts. What I know for sure, based on my own experience and from working with others, is that it is well worth the effort!

Get support

We all need a little help sometimes. If you would like support in navigating the waters of forgiveness, I am available. Schedule with me now.