3 Steps To Authentically Saying No And Embracing Self-love

The outdated message

Somewhere along the line you got the message that to say no meant you were selfish, so you learned to say yes automatically. You didn’t even take the time to think about it.

Be nice. Don’t hurt their feelings. Saying no is rude.

In other words, other people’s needs/wants are more important than yours.

Sound familiar? Those early childhood message can be so ingrained in our consciousness that we don’t even know they are still running the show. I worked with a woman who was so “nice” she couldn’t make herself say no to going to sporting event that she wasn’t interested in even though she had a work deadline. She ended pulling an all-nighter to complete the work project. She was so afraid her friend would feel bad if she said no that she ended putting herself in a tough situation. 

Another person I worked with found herself spending an entire weekend helping her friend move and threw her back out in the process! She actually wanted to be helpful but ended up taking it way too far. She didn’t know how to draw the line and say I can pack, organize and give moral support but I cannot carry heavy boxes and help load the truck. The obsession with saying yes creates a culture where you are constantly multi-tasking or putting yourself last and it simply doesn’t work!

As women, we are taught that others needs/wants are more important than our own (children, spouse, employer/clients) and we lost touch with our desires and how we would like to spend our time.

How it played out for me:

When my kids were little I worked part time from home, ran the financial end of my husband’s business, took care of everything around the house and cooked a family meal almost every night. Since I was fortunate enough to be a “stay at home” mom I also always said yes to requests to volunteer at my kids’ school and our spiritual center.  What I failed to realize was that when added up I was basically working 2 full time jobs! No wonder I was exhausted, and my fuse was short. 

I chose to work only part time once I had kids because my journey to becoming a mother was long and challenging so I wanted to spend as much time as possible with them.  I realized that my inability to say no was defeating the purpose of my choice. I wasn’t spending as much time with them as I wanted and the time I did spend with them was not necessarily high quality. It was time for me to make a shift.

You are feeling resentment and burnout from all the yesses and you don’t know how to stop without guilt and shame. When you start to practice the steps outlined below you will feel empowered and loved when you say no. Keep reading for my path to self-love through honoring your no.

You are simply burned out from all the yesses. The focus on being helpful and putting others first has left you exhausted. It is at the point where the things that you say matter most – personal development, time with friends & family, spontaneity, are at the bottom of your list – maybe they are not even on the list! The exhaustion has left you feeling resentful. Your fuse is short with those you love most. The friend that always turns to you for support is now the energy drainer.

The organization you joined for connection and a sense of community feels like a burden and you have forgotten why you joined in the first place. You snap at those you are closest to because you know when they open their mouths it is to ask you for something. You have nothing left to give. Walking away is not an option – you love your family and friends. Throwing a temper tantrum may feel good in the moment and it won’t really change anything.

A good long cry will release some of the emotion – until the next time someone asks for something. What you need are specific ways to get clear on what you want and how to get it without the guilt.

What’s possible when you say NO:

When you learn to speak what is true for you, even when that means saying no to someone, there is an opening for what you truly desire.  Saying no means creating space to enjoy a conversation with a friend, play with your child or simply be with yourself. It is an opportunity to tune in to what makes you happy and actually have the time to do it.  

Having time for yourself is not all about relaxation. It is also about doing the things that matter most. Maybe you have been wanting to start a business, write a book or shift into a different type of work. Saying no is saying yes to you and that is self-love. When you are filled up you actually have more to give. You cannot give from a place of emptiness. We have all heard the flight attendant when we are preparing for take-off. Put your own oxygen mask on first! Filling yourself up by saying no to over giving is just like putting on your own mask. You feel alive, energized and know that you matter.

Love yourself by saying no to the automatic yes.

There are three steps to learning how to authentically say yes or no. They are techniques for tapping in to your inner guidance. That part of you that knows what it truly wants and has been shut down due to people pleasing.  When you begin to apply these steps in your life, it may seem a bit awkward at first. Remember, you have been putting others ahead of yourself for some time now.  As you practice, you will master these techniques and they will become automatic. Honoring yourself, saying no, valuing your time and energy is one of the greatest acts of self-love. When you love yourself, you are able to fully love another, to experience the joy of life, and inspire others!

Step one – Pause

Sounds simple right? It actually is simple, and it is not always easy. We live in a fast-paced world. Make a decision and act on it. 

Imagine for a moment what it might look like to pause before saying yes or no. Take a deep breath. Now take another. And another. How do you feel? Calmer, more grounded perhaps? That is the pause. As you take the breath you are feeling into your body. You are dropping down from your head to your heart or your gut. You are actually feeling. Whatever comes next is more authentically you. It is truer to your nature. 

The great thing is that the more you do it – consciously breathe that is – the easier it is to remember to do it and the more effect it becomes. 

Our bodies are always informing us. If you overdo it at the gym, you strain a muscle. Over eat, your stomach hurts. Drink too much, hangover. You get the picture. Your body is letting you know that what you are doing is not in your best interest. Our bodies also let us know when something is emotionally not good for us. 

Have you ever noticed that when you are tense, nervous or simply uneasy your breath becomes shallow? As you breathe deeply, your body naturally relaxes. From this relaxed state you are able to think clearly and act rather than react. You will be in tune with your body sensations. You are able to move to the next step.

Step two – Inquire

Now that you have focused on your breath and become present, you can ask yourself how it would feel to say yes and how it would feel to say no. 

When you think of saying yes, how does your body feel? Do you begin to feel tense or anxious? Are you calm and relaxed? Does yes excite you? Listen and pay attention to your body signals. If you feel discomfort somewhere in your body breathe into it. Notice the feeling and emotion around the sensation. 

Now try on no. How does that feel? Guilty? Selfish? Self-loving? Peaceful? Again, notice body sensations and breathe into them. Really listen to your body. Remember, our bodies are always informing us. 

Often times, especially when you are new to this saying no business, the best response is “Let me think about that” or “I’ll get back to you later”. This gives you the opportunity to take the time to listen and be clear. That clarity is really important. Don’t worry, with practice it will begin to happen naturally. Just like any new skill there is a practice phase and once you master the art of listening to your body you will quickly move through these steps.

Step three – Respond

You basically have three options here. Yes, no, or I will let you know. Giving an authentic answer is empowering and loving. Whatever the response you choose, you will most likely get a response back. It is very important that you are not attached to the other person’s response. Remember in step 2 you felt in to your body and tried on yes and no? It can feel great in the moment to hear “Thank you!” “I appreciate you so much” “What would I do without you?”. But how will you feel when you have to do the thing you have said yes to? That is where the focus must be. 

If great is what you will feel in doing what you have been asked to do, then by all means do it. If it is anything less than great then that initial good feeling from the “thank you” will fade very quickly and rather than patting yourself on the back for honoring your true desire, you may be beating yourself up. 

Stay strong. Stay in self-love. If your answer is no, you may be asked why. Did you know that no is a complete sentence? Well, it is and sometimes you will still want to answer the why question. It is helpful to be clear, direct, and honest. “Well…um…I don’t know” just won’t cut it. I don’t have the time this project requires. This is not in my area of expertise. I have reached my limit of volunteer hours this month/year. 

Honor your no! Your no is an opportunity for someone else to say yes. It is also an opportunity for you to say yes to something that you are excited about. Something that brings you joy. Something that fills you up!

Love yourself enough to say no.

If you would like to apply these strategies to your personal experience and learn to lovingly put yourself first, schedule your session with me.